You Know These Guys...

If you've played even one season of Fantasy Hoop, you recognize these dudes ... every single league has got 'em.

Industry Guy

With 16 tabs open on their laptop, six hardcopy magazines and spreadsheet full of pivot tables and formulas, Industry Guy is all about business. He can’t enjoy himself at the draft because he has to run the numbers on whether Mitchell Robinson’s FT percentage will ruin his perfect 9-cat symbiosis. He takes a crazy amount of time to make a pick and always fakes a “wince” after picking like that wasn’t the dude he was going to take all along.

• He’ll be wearing: Brand new jersey.

• He’ll be drinking: Water.

• You’ll know it’s him because: His lapper’s got Chrome, Safari, Firefox and IE running simultaneously.

• Odds of winning it all: Legit chance to win it, but only because he grooms the last place team to trade him all their best players.

Injury Guy

This free-wheelin’ son of a bitch could care less if his draftees are coming off an ACL or an achilles. In fact, that is exactly what he is after. The bigger the name and the worse the injury, the more likely this gambler is to take a shot … four rounds before anyone else would consider them. He makes his picks before you even know it’s his turn and walks around pretending like his shitty roster of washed up former stars has a chance.

• He’ll be wearing: A used jersey purchased off e-Bay the week before the draft.

• He’ll be drinking: A 22-ounce domestic beer out of a paper bag.

• You’ll know it’s him because: He is the only one considering drafting Isaiah Thomas (again) this year.

• Odds of winning it all: Slim, unless his inevitable turn-and-burn bears fruit.

Them My Guys Guy

You don’t even need to invite this dude to the draft because you know that no matter where he picks he is going to pick the exact same guys as the previous seven seasons. Not one to take a flier on a rookie, he is still ensuring his roster includes some combination of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Paul and – for some strange reason – Udonis Haslem. This dude was CRUSHED when Darren Collison retired and he had to fill a roster spot.

• He’ll be wearing: That same old Andre Drummond jersey.

• He’ll be drinking: Whatever there is to drink.

• You’ll know it’s him because: Look at his draft.

• Odds of winning it all: Diminish year after year.

DFS Guy

This guy alternately goes by “William Hill Guy” and can give you the line and player point total from any game played since the William Hill and/or DraftKings and/or FanDuel app dropped in your state. The furthest thing from the Industry Guy, this dude is usually lethal with his draft … and good at flipping garbage for assets. Employing the model that you can’t win if you don’t play, the DFS guy isn’t afraid of taking risks and always has an eye on a better play. He comes off as a cool dude but is the biggest snake in the league. Watch him around the last place teams, especially if those owners are his buddies.

• He’ll be wearing: Nothing sports related because he doesn’t want to give you a tell.

• He’ll be drinking: Something with Red Bull in it so he can stay up to watch a soccer game from Dubai that he has a stack on.

• You’ll know it’s him because: His draft doesn’t make sense but he’s always in contention by the end of the year.

• Odds of winning it all: Always in the hunt.

Love the New Guys Guy

This fella can’t get enough of Jay Bilas and Jay Williams. Often found drooling over clips from Courtside Films, he falls in love with the next-big-star way too easily. He will reach to snag a rookie in the first couple rounds, even when it’s not clear that rookie will even get minutes. He typically alternates between taken a young unproven player, and a solid but unspectacular veteran because he knows that he reached with that first rounder.

• He’ll be wearing: A vintage high school or college jersey.

• He’ll be drinking: White claws.

• You’ll know it’s him because: Everyone laughed at his first three picks.

• Odds of winning it all: Once in a blue moon this dude is competitive.

I’m Here for the Weed Guy

There is one in every draft. This dude has watched an NBA game or two and knows a few of the top flight guys, but he is just there for access to the ganj. He struggles to make picks, often relying way too much on the player rating function on the app, and typically winds up with seven point guards and six centers.

• He’ll be wearing: A flannel and a ball cap.

• He’ll be drinking: Liquor, straight.

• You’ll know it’s him because: He is more invested in playing 2K than his draft.

• Odds of winning it all: Zero. But the guys he drafted will end up on the roster of the Industry Guy or the DFS guy and they will win it.

I Can’t Believe I’m Playing with These Guys Guy

This guy is just here for the money. He got into the league through a FOAFOAF (friend of a friend of a friend) and after 8 years is still not sure if he would hang with these guys outside of the fantasy universe. His draft is typically well thought out and executed flawlessly. He doesn’t talk a bunch of shit and just goes about his business. He can be dangerous in the regular season because he has no built-in loyalties to anyone.

• He’ll be wearing: A sensible outfit.

• He’ll be drinking: Craft beer.

• You’ll know it’s him because: He drafts his team and darts.

• Odds of winning it all: Solid if he drafts right. No chance if he has to rely on shady deals from teams out of contention.